by jedi_penguin
Author's LiveJournal: Sin Boldly!

Spoiler: through "The Planet of the Lost Gods"

Pairing: Apollo/Starbuck, mention of Apollo/Serina

Disclaimer: Apollo, Starbuck, and all their lovers friends belong to Glenn A. Larson.

Happy Holidays, Liz!

Apollo closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath. He wasn't ready to pass through the door yet. In a moment, yes, but not quite yet. Out here, he was still Serina's husband and Boxey's father; in there, he was a Colonial warrior. A hero. A survivor, in a world where there were far too many dead. He couldn't think of anyplace he less wanted to be.

He was needed on the other side. He knew it, all too well. Blue Squadron needed its Leader, and even if they didn't, he was still needed. The Fleet was crippled by its lack of pilots and couldn't afford to lose a single one. As for grieving widowers, well, the Fleet had plenty of those.

Apollo resolutely forced such thoughts out of his mind and strode into the Ready Room. He had deliberately picked a time between patrols so there would be a minimal number of pilots in the room when he entered. It made him more visible but reduced the number of men who might welcome him back or, worse yet, offer their condolences.

The room was even more deserted than he had anticipated: Jolly and Starbuck were the only two people in the room. The chubby pilot beamed at Apollo in delight while Starbuck gave him a wary nod. "What're you doing here, buddy?"

"Good to see you too, Starbuck," Apollo said wryly. "I'm here to resume my duties."

"That's wonderful," Jolly enthused. "We've missed you, Apollo. This clown here is no substitute for you at all!"

"I'm certain that Starbuck did a fine job," Apollo intoned with pretentiousness worthy of his father. "But it's time for me to get back to work."

Starbuck frowned in concern. "Are you sure you want to do-"

"Apollo!"

The man in question spun around and saw a gaggle of pilots bearing down on him. Boomer, Greenbean, Giles, and almost a dozen others crowded around him, touching his shoulder, patting him on the back, mussing his hair. It was intrusive but well intentioned, so Apollo grinned and pretended to enjoy the attention.

"So, Captain," Boomer drawled. "You've come to save us all from Starbuck's leadership?"

"Starbuck's a fine Warrior. You don't need rescuing."

"Oh, he's a great Warrior, no doubt about that," Boomer acknowledged with a grin. "But he keeps scheduling patrols around his card games and most of us are broke."

"Not that any of you would ever dream of gambling in the Ready Room, of course..."

"Oh, certainly not!" Greenbean assured him with a wink.

Apollo laughed aloud at that, and it felt less false than his earlier grin had. And perhaps it was. Perhaps his few days of wedded bliss were the lie and this, the easy give and take between Warriors, perhaps this was the only truth.

Apollo had just about convinced himself that he'd never been away when he felt a pair of eyes sizing him up. He spun around until he found Starbuck, because of course it was he.

"Could I have a word with you, Captain?"

"What is it, Starbuck?" Jolly asked with a grin. "Going to fill him in on all your blunders before he gets Tigh's report?"

"Nah," Starbuck responded. "I'm just going to take a moment to rat out all of you. You'd better worry too, 'cause I know a lot more dirt than Tigh could ever dig up."

Accompanied by a chorus of groans and jibes, Starbuck pulled Apollo aside. "Listen, buddy. I don't want to second-guess you or anything, but are you sure you're ready to come back to work?"

"Of course I am," Apollo lied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Hey, Starbuck," Boomer called over. "You wouldn't be trying to keep the Captain's job, would you?"

"You have to get off report before you can buck for promotion," Greenbean added.

"Yeah, yeah," Starbuck grumbled. "You guys are a real riot." He turned to Apollo, uncharacteristically solemn. "I do need to talk to you, though. Can we go somewhere else? Like somewhere... private?"

Starbuck was going to shatter his illusion of normalcy. Apollo knew it, hated it, but refused to acknowledge it. Hoping to keep up the pretense, he simply observed, "Privacy is rather difficult to find on the Galactica. You know that. Whatever it is, we can discuss it right here."

"No, we really can't," Starbuck insisted. "How about your quarters?"

"Boxey's sleeping. How about-"

"Okay, I know where to go," Starbuck interrupted. "Follow me."

Starbuck stalked through the corridors and Apollo was almost jogging to keep up with him. The grim look on the other pilot's face discouraged conversation, which was fine with Apollo. He didn't want to have this conversation in any case; there was no reason to rush it.

Apollo had become accustomed to Starbuck's unique ability to find anything he needed whenever he needed it and had given up being surprised by the other pilot's actions long ago. Nevertheless, Starbuck's destination left him flabbergasted. "The launch tubes?"

Starbuck shrugged. "Why not? They're quiet, they're private and no one ever comes here."

"Of course they don't," Apollo snapped. "Do you have any idea how dangerous this is? If a ship--"

"Relax, buddy. Relax," Starbuck said soothingly. As if to prove his point, he pulled out a cigar and leaned against the wall to light it. "I have the tube schedule memorized. As long as we aren't put on a general alert, we're fine."

"And if the Galactica is attacked?" Apollo asked grimly.

"We'll either hear the alarm in here and be the first to our cockpits or we'll be vaporized." He took a long puff on his cigar. "Either way, nobody'll be complaining about our absence."

"If we're vaporized, the Galactica will be down two pilots," Apollo observed mildly.

Starbuck gave him a hard stare. "We're talking about our possible death. Is the Galactica all you can think about?"

"There's also Boxey," Apollo answered, neatly evading the real question. "I'm his father now. He's already lost two parents this year, I don't think he could take another loss."

"So responsibility is the only thing keeping you alive any more?" Starbuck asked. "Do you really think that you should be flying with that attitude?"

"Yes," Apollo said flatly.

"And you don't think that a bit more time off might be a good idea...?"

"No."

Starbuck shrugged eloquently. "Whatever you say, buddy. Kind of makes me glad that I'm not your wingman any more, though."

"Not my...?" Apollo was too shocked to finish the sentence. He took a deep breath and tried again. "What do you mean, you're not my wingman any longer?"

"Don't you remember? The Commander replaced me with Flight Cadet Serina. I've been flying solo ever since. Probably why Baltar was able to get a hold of me."

"Starbuck, I..." Apollo stared at the other man, appalled. Anyone else might have taken Starbuck's statement as cruelty, mocking him for his wife's death, but Apollo knew better. It was an accusation, one that Starbuck could never speak aloud, but one that plagued him nevertheless. "You know, you must know that that wasn't my idea. I tried to-"

"Yeah, I know," Starbuck relented. "It's fine."

Despite the words, Apollo could still see the hurt and disbelief Starbuck had worn when Serina announced that she would be his new wingman. His friend was giving him an out, but he clearly still believed that Apollo had chosen Serina over him. Since he intended to fly with Starbuck again as soon as possible, this needed to be threshed out. "Listen to me, Starbuck. I had nothing to do with Serina becoming my wingman. It wasn't what I wanted, and if I'd had the chance, I would have put a stop to it as soon as we came back from Kobol."

"Look, I told you. It's fine."

"I'm serious, Starbuck." Apollo stared right into Starbuck's eyes, willing the other man to believe him. "I would have. She forced herself someplace where she didn't belong, but only because she didn't understand. If she hadn't... um, if I'd had the chance, I would have explained it to Serina and she would have backed down."

Starbuck snorted. "Serina never backed down from anything in her life," he said with a grin.

"You're not wrong," Apollo acknowledged with a grin of his own. "But I would have made her understand eventually. The only reason I didn't try when she told me she was taking your place was because she was still mad at me over the fight we'd had a few days earlier about her flying in the first place." Apollo suddenly dropped his grin and grabbed Starbuck's shoulders. "So. Are we alright, now?"

Starbuck puffed on his cigar and gave Apollo a false smile. "Sure.".

"No, we're not," Apollo said quietly. "There's something else. Tell me."

"Hey, I told you. We're fine." Apollo just glared at him and Starbuck sighed. "Okay. Fine. But look, it's kinda... petty."

"If it's bothering you, then it's important," Apollo said.

"Fine," Starbuck repeated. "It's just... why did you get married? I can't believe you got married without me."

Apollo closed his eyes, unwilling to face the memories but even more unwilling to leave his friendship with Starbuck unresolved. "We thought you were dead," he finally muttered.

"I was only gone for a week or so," Starbuck protested. "Did you even look for me? Did you bother to throw me a wake before throwing yourself a wedding feast?"

"No," Apollo said quietly.

"Because if you did, I-- Wait. Did you just say you didn't?" Starbuck demanded with disbelief.

"No. We, uh... Serina thought..."

Apollo broke off, Serina's voice in his memory taking precedence over his current conversation. "I loved him too. That's why I think he'd understand. He'd approve!"

"She said that you'd want us to be happy, that we should go ahead with the Sealing in spite of everything. As a way to honor you."

"Oh, I'm honored all right," Starbuck snorted.

"She thought you'd approve," Apollo added miserably.

"Oh she did, did she? And if you were to get involved with somebody right away, before her body's even cold, would she approve?"

"A casual relationship? No. No, she wouldn't," Apollo answered with conviction. "If there was somebody I loved, who loved me? Yes. Yes, she would."

"Someone you loved, huh?" Starbuck gave Apollo an indecipherable look and then seemed to come to a conclusion. "Do you remember when I said I was jealous?"

Apollo grinned. "Of course I do. That was one of your finer moments."

"I never told you why I was jealous, did I?"

Apollo's grin faded. "What do you mean? You didn't spell it out, but I knew. You kept talking about things changing between us; that seemed pretty clear. You were worried that I wouldn't have time for you."

"No, I wasn't." Starbuck seemed to consider that, and then threw his hands up. "Okay, yes, I was. But that wasn't the main reason why I was jealous."

"Then why?" Apollo asked in confusion.

"I was jealous of Serina. I'm sorry she's gone; she was a wonderful lady who should have lived for a hundred yahren. A thousand, even. But I was still jealous of her."

"I don't understand. Jealous of what? That she took your place as my wingman? That I spent my off-duty hours with her? That-"

"That she had you in her bed," Starbuck whispered. Before Apollo could decipher that statement, Starbuck dropped his cigar and pulled him into his arms.

Apollo froze. He had never kissed another man before, had never even considered the possibility before, and had no idea how to react. He knew that Giles and Greenbean were close in that way and he didn't have a problem with it, or not much of a problem anyway, but he had never considered such a relationship for himself. Or for Starbuck either, for that matter. His friend was well known as a ladies' man, so why was he doing this?

Starbuck sighed and released him. "You want to know what my angle is, don't you? It's simple, really. I love you. I have for years."

Completely unnerved, Apollo began to babble. "You love me? As a friend, right? Or, or... a brother. You've always loved me as a brother."

Starbuck nodded gravely. "Yeah, that's just what I thought... until you and Serina announced your engagement. Everyone was so happy for you, but I wasn't. I clapped because I was expected to, but I'm not sure I've ever felt worse in my life."

"Because you thought things would change."

"No," Starbuck drawled. "Because it was at that exact micron that I realized that you weren't my brother and I didn't want you to be. It was only after you were off the market that I realized that the reason I've never been able to get serious about any of the girls I meet is the same reason I always risk my neck whenever yours is on the line. You come first and last with me, and have for a long time. I don't just love you, Apollo. I'm in love with you."

Flabbergasted, Apollo stared at his friend in disbelief. And, oddly enough, belief as well. Starbuck was right, there was a connection between them, and a strong one at that. He had never explored how deep their connection was because he was afraid of being lost in it. There was easily room for kisses and cuddles there, and Apollo wasn't sure that those potential caresses would be all that different than the back-slapping and shoulder clenches that he and Starbuck gave each other at the slightest opportunity.

But if he really wanted Starbuck, what did that say about his relationship with Serina? Had she seen it, how deep his feelings for his wingman ran? Was that why she'd tried to come between them, or was it more complicated than that? She'd said she loved Starbuck too; had she seen a future in which the three of them could have been together? Would she want this? Would she want him to seize this chance at happiness? Put like that, the answer was obvious.

He cleared his throat nervously. "I, uh... I love you too, Starbuck. I just never thought about... um... you know. I've never thought about that before."

"That's okay, buddy," Starbuck crooned. "I know what to do."

That should have given him pause but before he could think about the implications of Starbuck's experience, the younger man had him in his arms again. Not giving Apollo any time to catch his breath, Starbuck pulled him in for a passionate kiss.

It was... strange, and thrilling, and completely unlike kissing Serina. Not because he was kissing a man, but because he was kissing Starbuck. The taste of cigar assured him that it was, as did a certain indefinable smell and feel that Apollo had always associated with Starbuck, but never before on a conscious level. He could feel Starbuck's erection pushing against his belly, and that too was bizarre, but also oddly comforting. When Starbuck began pulling at his trousers, however, it became too much. "Stop! What are you doing?"

"It's fine, Apollo. Really. Trust me." And because it was Starbuck, Apollo found that he couldn't do otherwise. Of course he trusted Starbuck. He was his best friend, but more than that, he was his wingman. When they were out on patrol, it was Starbuck who watched his back and got him home alive. Starbuck valued his life more than his own, and Apollo could no more not trust him than he could turn into a daggit.

His trust wasn't misplaced. Starbuck's hands upon his cock felt wonderful. When Starbuck began stroking him, using just the perfect amount of pressure, Apollo decided that simple touch had never felt quite this good before. Women either pulled too hard, or not hard enough. Here was a hand who knew just how he liked to be touched, and the blessed wonder of it was that that hand wasn't his own.

When Starbuck let go of him, Apollo let out a small whimper. "Hush, buddy. It's fine. I just want to give you a bit more..."

When Starbuck fell to his knees, Apollo quickly figured out what he intended. On one level, Apollo was dying, dying to have his cock within Starbuck's warm, welcoming mouth, but the less primal part of him objected. "Stop," he gasped. For the first time in all the years Apollo had known him, Starbuck looked unsure of himself. It was only a moment, a heartbeat even, before Starbuck's usual cocksure grin was firmly back in place, but it was enough to give Apollo hope that this was all real. And if this wasn't just another of Starbuck's scams, then he had to do this right. "Come up here."

"But I want to-"

"Yeah, I know," Apollo interrupted. "And I want that too. But not now. The first time, I mean, our first time? I want to be looking at each other when we come."

Starbuck didn't say anything, simply leaned in for a mind-blowing kiss and went back to jerking him off. No longer afraid, Apollo pulled at Starbuck's pants until he was able to release the other man's straining erection. He began touching Starbuck the same way he liked to be touched, stroking and pulling Starbuck's cock in the same way he'd brought himself off the night before. Judging by Starbuck's low groans, this was yet another way in which they perfectly balanced each other.

They came simultaneously, a very rare occurrence in Apollo's experience. He should have been surprised to find such synchronicity with a first time lover, but he wasn't. Starbuck had always known what he was about to do three seconds before Apollo knew himself. That was what made him such a successful gambler, exemplary wingman, and good friend. And, apparently, a highly compatible bed partner.

Apollo came silently, sending stream after stream of his seed against the far wall of the launch tube. Starbuck, however, came whispering his name, calling, "Apollo," as if it was his only hope of salvation. After they had both spent themselves, they collapsed together.

His feelings were too big, too huge to possibly express, so Apollo fell back on banter. "So, does this mean that you're willing to be my wingman again?"

"No," Starbuck said flatly. When Apollo looked up in alarm, Starbuck broke out the biggest shit-eating grin he'd ever worn. "This means that I want to be your wingmate. And hopefully your roommate. And definitely your bedmate." He reached over and picked up his discarded cigar. "Oh yeah, I'm all in favor of mating."

"It's not that easy, you know," Apollo said gravely.

Starbuck planted a short, swift kiss upon his brow. "Sure it is. We'll make this work, Apollo."

"What about Boxey?"

"Boxey?" Starbuck asked in disbelief. "I adore that kid, you know that. And he adores me," he added smugly. "I'm the only person he knows who's willing to teach him Pyramid."

"You've been corrupting my son? Starbuck!" Starbuck's grin told him that Apollo would never get an apology for that, so he signed in resignation. "Well how about my father, then? He was hoping you'd marry Athena, you know."

"So the Commander still gets me as a son-in-law, just not for the kid he'd originally planned on. After he gets over the shock, he'll be ecstatic."

Apollo frowned. "And Athena? How do you think she'll take this?"

"Not well at first," Starbuck admitted. "But Apollo, she doesn't love me. Not really. She's had a crush on me since she was a cadet, but it's never been about me. You... You know and like me, and I'm not about to give that up for Athena's little daydreams."

Apollo nodded slowly. Starbuck was right. They were right, and they would make this work. "So I guess the only thing left then is how we want to handle this on the flight deck."

Starbuck gave him a slow, lazy caress and drawled, "Handling. That's another thing I'm all in favor of."

"You don't think the other pilots are going to have a problem with us if we decide to become a couple?"

"Maybe a few in other squadrons might, but nobody in Blue Squadron is going to object." Starbuck sighed. "How I feel about you, how you feel about me? There's nothing new here. Everyone under your command knows that. It'll be fine, Apollo. Trust me."

"You know what, Starbuck? I think I do."

~End~